Q: Why did the poor man sell yeast?
A: To raise some dough.
Q: Why did Mozart kill his chicken?
A: Because it kept saying Bach, bach, bach.
Q: What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
A: Give me my quarterback!
Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Q: How do billboards talk?
A: Sign language.
Q: How do snails fight?
A: They slug it out.
Q: What would bears be without bees?
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bull-dozer.
Q: What do you call anxious dinosaur?
A: Nervous Rex.
Q: Where do beef burgers go to dance?
A: The meatball.
Q: How much does a pirate pay for corn?
Q: How do you make an egg-roll?
A: You push it!
Q: Why does a seagull fly over the sea?
A: Because if it flew over the bay it would be called a bagel!
Q: Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the gambling casino?
A: Because he was on a roll.
Q: How did the barber win the race?
A: He knew a short cut.
Q: When is a car not a car?
A: When it turns into a street.
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don’t work.
Q: What’s the best time to go to the dentist?
Q: How do you make a Venetian blind?
Poke him in the eyes.
Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
Q: How many lips does a flower have?
Q: What’s a didgeridoo?
Whatever it wants to.
Q: When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.
Q: What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A: A slipper.
Q: How much does a Mustang cost?
A: More than you can af-Ford.
Q: Why is corn such a good listener?
A: Because it’s all ears.
Q: Why did the bicycle fall over?
A: Because it was two tired.
Q: Why was the sand wet?
A: Because the sea weed.
Q: How does a squid go into battle?
A: Well armed.
Q: What’s E.T. short for?
A: He’s got little legs.
Q: What does a nut say when it sneezes?
Q: What do you call crystal clear urine?
Q: What do you call a pile of cats?
A: A meow-ntain.
Q: Why are teddy bears never hungry?
A: Because they’re always stuffed.
Q: What did the hat say to the scarf?
A: You go ahead, I’ll hang around.
Q: Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it’d be a foot.
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Q: What do a dog and a phone have in common?
A: They both have collar ID.
Q: Why did Santa study music at college?
A: To improve his wrapping skills.
Q: Why shouldn’t you play cards on the savannah?
Because of all the cheetahs.
Q: Why could the bee not hear what people were saying?
A: He had wax in his ears.
Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: You’re too young to smoke.
Q: What disease do you get when you put up the Christmas decorations?
Q: Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
A: Because it got stuck in a crack.
Q: What do you call a boat with a hole in the bottom?
A: A sink.
Q: What do you call a group of disorganized cats?
Q: What lies at the bottom of the sea shaking?
A: A nervous wreck.
Q: How do you stop moles digging in your garden?
A: Hide the spade.
Q: How do you stop a bull from charging?
A: Cancel its credit card.
Q: What did the fisherman say to the magician?
A: Pick a cod, any cod.
Q: What’s an astronauts favorite part of a computer?
A: The space bar.
Q: Why did the mobile phone need glasses?
A: It lost all it’s contacts.
Q: What did the first plate say to the second plate?
A: Dinner’s on me.
Q: What do you call a computer that sings?
A: A Dell.
Q: What do you call a person that does not fart in public?
A: A private tutor.
Q: Why did the pig get hired at the restaurant?
A: He was really good at bacon.
Q: How did the pirate stop smoking?
A: He used the patch.
Q: Why were the strawberries upset?
A: They were in a jam.
Q: What do you call a cow that can’t produce any milk?
A: A milk dud.
Q: Why did the fish get bad grades?
A: Because it was below sea level.
Q: What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A: A can’t opener.
Q: Why do bananas wear sun cream?
A: To stop them from peeling.
Q: Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
A: It’s Dublin.
Q: What do you call a T-Rex that’s been beaten up?
Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
A: A chimp off the old block.
Q: What did the triangle say to the circle?
A: You’re pointless.
Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot.
Q: What’s a bear with no teeth called?
A: A gummy bear.
Q: What do you call bees that produce milk?
Q: What kind of music do mummies listen to?
A: Wrap music.
Q: How do you impress a female baker?
A: Bring her flours.
Q: What did the policeman say to his belly button?
A: You’re under a vest.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
A: Ten tickles.
Q: Why can’t you trust the king of the jungle?
A: Because he’s always lion.
Q: What is a pirate’s favorite place to eat?
Q: What kind of shoes are made from bananas skins?
Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: It was soda pressing.
Q: What would a fly be called if it didn’t have wings?
A: A walk.
Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctors?
A: Because he felt crummy.
Q: Where do Volkswagens go when they get old?
A: The old Volks home.
Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
A: You look flushed.
Q: Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
A: All the fans left.
Q: What’s a skeleton’s favorite musical instrument?
A: The trom-bone.
Q: What did the swordfish say to the marlin?
A: You’re looking sharp.
Q: Why couldn’t the bad sailor learn his alphabet?
A: Because he always got lost at C.
Q: What did the first street say to the second street?
A: I’ll meet you at the intersection.
Q: Have you heard about the pregnant bed bug?
A: She’s going to have her baby in the spring.
Q: What’s the difference between America and a memory stick?
A: One’s USA and the other’s USB.
Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay they’d be called bagels.
Q: Why don’t penguins like talking to strangers at parties?
A: They find it hard to break the ice.
Q: Have you seen the movie Constipation?
A: No, it has not come out yet.
Q: Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny.
Q: Why do French people eat snails?
A: Because they don’t like fast food.
Q: Why didn’t the lifeguard save the drowning hippie?
A: He was too far out.