Funny dirty jokes
|❣ What do boobs and toys have in common?
-They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.
|❣ Why are women like KFC?
-After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
|❣ What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?
|❣ What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
-A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
|❣ What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
-After five years your job will still suck.
|❣ What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
– A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
|❣ What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection?
-A Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
|❣ A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. “Grandpa what are you doing?” he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. “Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, “Well, last week I sat out here
with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma’s idea.”
|❣ A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!” Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, “Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”
|❣ A young female teacher was giving her class of six year olds a quiz “behind my back I’ve got something red, round and you can eat it. what is it?” she asked. “an apple” replied little Raymond “no,” said the teacher ” it’s a tomato but it shows your thinking.” “I’ve now got something round, a greenish colored you can eat it.” “An apple,” replied little Ian “No it’s an onion, but it shows your thinking.” Little scruffy Johnny at the back of the class says “I’ve got something under my desk that’s an inch long, white and it has a red end.” “Dirty little boy,” said the teacher “No it’s a match, but it shows you were thinking,” he answered.
|❣ A man goes to a Japan on business and hires a prostitute for the night. He doesn’t speak any Japanese and she barely speaks any English. While they are going at it she yells out, “Gama Su! Gama Su!” Knowing that she has been satisfied he goes to bed.
The next day he plays golf and one of his associates gets a hole in one. Everyone goes crazy, so to enjoy in the excitement he yells, “Gama Su! Gama Su!”
Everybody goes silent and one of his Japanese associates says, “What do you mean wrong hole?”
|❣ A man takes a job as the cook on a ship just before a long voyage. He looks around the kitchen for a few hours and all he can find is potatoes in the shape of penises.
He finds the captain and asks him, “Captain, what’s with all of the penis shaped potatoes? That’s all I can find and I don’t think I like it.”
The captain looks at him sternly and says, “There’s nothing you can do about it. This is a dictatorship!”
|❣ A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, “What are these things daddy?” His dad said, “Condoms son.” The boy asked, “Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?” The dad replied, “The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March….”
|❣ A husband and wife are having a night in. The wife is in the bathroom and the husband calls to her “Honey, you want to fool around?”
As the wife walks over to the bed she falls on her face and the husband says “Oh no! Honey, are you okay? Come here and I’ll kiss it.”
After they are done the wife gets up to use the bathroom again and falls once again. The husband looks at her, rolls over, and says “Clumsy bitch.
|❣ A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?” The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.”|